"Another Great Night For T.V"
A Radio Drama
by: Kai Hulshof and Craig O'Shaughnessy
Friday, March 29th, 2000.
[start]
EXT. - Quiet suburban neighbourhood, early evening, Sound of light rain
falling.
Car pulling up, with the sounds of squeaky brakes and music w/
muffled bass.
Car engine turning off, music ends with car engine.
Car door opening and closing, car alarm is activated.
Sound of walking on pavement (7 sec), then concrete (4 sec).
Sound of climbing a set of wooden stairs (4 steps).
Knocking on door.
Pause (3 sec).
Ringing of Doorbell.
Sound of door unlocking (muffled).
Door opens.
INT. - Foyer / living room, television fading in background w/ sound of
applause.
Delivery guy: Hey, 1 Extra-Large pepperoni?
Marc: Yeah, that's me.
Delivery guy: Alright, that'll be 3--
Marc: Wo, Wo, Woah, Woah, Hold on a sec, I wanna see this!!!
T.V. volume is brought back up w/ muffled applause and announcer's
voice. (a typical charismatic male announcer's voice)
T.V. Announcer: Tune in to "Who Wants to Marry a Filthy Rich
Misogynist Pig" next week, when a brand new flock
of surgically enhanced beauty queens abandon all
dignity and self-respect for the chance to marry
the socially inept, Mr. Hugh gego!
(pronounced: gee-go)
Applause!
Announcer: Don't miss the opportunity to meet beautiful, gold-
digging opportunists such as ... Tiffany!
Cheesy dance music comes in.
Tiffany: Hi, my name is Tiffany, and I'm a 32-24-36 Youngstown,
Arizona girl. I like moonlight walks, candlelight dinners,
and good talks.
Announcer: ... and Ivana!
Ivana: Hello, my name is Ivana and my measurements are 38-24-34.
I love talking on the phone, going to parties, dancing up a
storm, and day-dreaming about Mr. Right.
Announcer: ... or Alexis!
Alexis: (male voice) Hi, my name is Alexis, but my friends mostly
call me Alex. I have a great figure, with 42-24-34
measurements. I love jogging in the park, having a good
time, and getting a little crazy every now and then.
Announcer: Don't forget to join us ... to see who will be next
week's blushing bride. That's "Who Want to Marry a
Filthy Rich Misogynist Pig", Sunday's at 7:00. Now,
stay tuned for "That Wacky Television Show". Starring
Tom Cruise as "Tom", and Rodney Dangerfield as
"Tom's Dad" ...
Television fades out.
Marc: Hey man, did you see those chicks.
Delivery Guy: Yeah, that's some sweet T & A.
Marc: Anyway, sorry 'bout that. What's the damage there, chief?
Deliver guy: Uh ... $17.78
Marc: Yeah, here's a twenty.
Delivery guy: Thanks a lot, have a good one.
Marc: Yeah, take 'er easy, eh?
Door shuts.
Sound of footsteps into the living room.
Pizza box is dropped haphazardly on the table, followed by the squeak of
the springs in an old chair that Marc falls into.
He cracks open a beer, then sets it down on the table
T.V. fades back in, as Marc turns the volume up.
In the meantime, a grocery store commercial is playing, with elevator music
in the background.
Commercial Voice-Over: At Vollet's Cash 'n Carry we guarantee to
beat our competitors lowest advertised
prices. This week's specials include:
YellowBrand frozen stir fry mix - $1.99.
SecondWench concentrated juice - .89 cents-
a-can. Giant Lo Bok - $1.49/lb. Mr. Peter's
low-salt, Scandinavian pork rinds - $2.29-
a-bag. and O'Shaughnessy's Hot 'n Spicy
Mexican Tabasco Sauce - just $8.99 for a
23ml bottle.
Jingle: (Barbershop style singing) Vollet's, Vollet's - that's what we
call its Vollet's, Vollet's - easy on
your wallets Vollet's Vollet's -
you'll always recall it's Vollet's
1/2 second pause
Department store musak playing in the background w/ the faint sound of a
man periodically snoring.
The "Click, Click." of a slide projector, w/ a monotone male voice narrating.
Narrator: And here's a timeless classic: the shot of God creating
the universe ... Miraculous indeed.
Click, Click.
Narrator: And yet another miracle: Here's the one of Moses
parting the Red Sea ... Hallelujah.
Click, Click.
Narrator: And here's the shot of Jesus turning water into wine
(yawns), s'cuse me.
Musak ends.
Pitch: (Enthusiastic) Tired of the same ol' miracles?
Choir music breaks in.
Pitch: Well then, head on down to Dionne's Furniture Warehouse,
for our Millenium Miracle Event. For one week only, that's
one week only. Dionne's will perform the ultimate miracle!
Up to and including Sunday, August 29th, Dionne's will pay
the taxes on all lampshades, 40 Watt bulbs, and selected
dimmer switches! So, don't hesitate! Walk toward the
light and save ... during Dionne's Millenium Miracle Event!
Choir music ends.
Musak resumes.
Click, Click.
Narrator: And here's the shot of the Virgin Mary's water breaking
- nobody saw that one coming.
1/2 second pause.
Fade in Football game sound effects (Background)
Voice-Over (Budweiser style): 365 practice days ...
2 missing teeth ...
285,000 lbs lifted ...
24 inch neck ...
100 miles sprinted ...
36 satisfied women ...
35 negative blood tests ...
9 bastard children ...
15 quarterback sacks ...
6 knee operations ...
3 Superbowl rings ...
5,000 cc of anabolic steroids ...
2 much testosterone ...
0 respect ...
equals
1 professional meathead.
Voice-Over: For those who don't think, it's the beer to drink.
1/2 second pause
Fade in typical metropolitan traffic gridlock soundscape (10-15 seconds)
...including
5 different styles of engine sounds randomly "revving"
Random car horns of different pitch
Very quiet coughing (in the background)
Baby's crying (in the background)
2 Ambulance/police siren sequences
A distant bass subwoofer
Verbal beration (people yelling at each other ) i.e. "outta my way asshole"
Narrative Voice (Soothing Female Voice):
Exhaust emissions ... CFC's in air conditioning ... Land Fills
... Certainly reasons enough to come up with environment
friendly cars, so BMVV did just that. However, we considered
the pollution problem from an unusual angle ... From your
perspective ... A driver's perspective.
The solution? A Unique air-filtration system called AUC. This
ingenious device keeps tabs on the air coming into the car ...
and when it detects any noxious substances it seals the air
vents. This includes anything from carbon monoxide to ethanol
or dust. And when it seals the vents, it does it immediately
... Automatically. And then circulates the unpolluted air
inside the car.
Which means that BMVV drivers don't even have to breathe the
same air as everyone else ...
BMVV - Ignorant Drivers Wanted
two sharp horn sounds
Angry Male Voice: Freakin' morons!!
As this commercial progresses, the metropolitan traffic gridlock soundscape
crossfades into a natural pristine soundscape, which would include elements
such as ...
Birds chirping
Leaves rustling
Kids laughing
This radio episode ends with Marc channel surfing over 15 channels, which
can just be literally taken from the television during a commercial period.
No particular commercials should be evident, maybe 2-3 seconds on each
channel. The episode ends with Marc's voice and the electrical sound of a
television being turned off.
Marc (in a disappointed voice): Auggh!
The television turns off - click.
[end]